ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
