i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
