yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
worst night to have a conscience
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
