I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
