just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why do cheetos always look like penises
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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