I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
