I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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