I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
