it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
