someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
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I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
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I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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