A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
