I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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