The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
