I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
