Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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