you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
