the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
