my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
