Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
