Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
vagina is talking i cant
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
