my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
