He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
