I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
