We named our party play list daddy issues
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
