Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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