my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
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Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!