I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
