I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
