Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
