i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
