Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
