I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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