Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
