There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
