No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
