Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Randomize
