I accidentally had phone sex last night
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
