I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
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Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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