I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
