I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you would pick up someone in the library
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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