I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think I sprained my soul last night
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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