Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Pants are for mortals
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