Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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