What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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