My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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