Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
