I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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