Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
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It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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