I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
