In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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