I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
