Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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