So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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