Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
