I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
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I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
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But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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