I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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